Cold in my Heart

I didn't want to blog about it. I don't have a choice. I need to rant.

Today, my gf just seemed pissed. My wallet is left with a 3-digit figure. And by 01 June, it will be 2 digits. No, the bulk of the money didn't go to myself... I willingly invested my wealth in someone else.That someone made me irrational, amidst the sweet memories. Its time to wake up although its too late. But at least better than continuing in my dreamland...

She wanted to watch 2 plays with me - 'The Lion King' and 'Jump!'. I really wasn't that keen in the Arts, what more these 2 plays. While I appreciated the intent of fulfilling her dream to watch a play with her bf, the rational me said no. I checked the prices for the 2 shows. I asked myself a fundamental question: why should I? I mean, its not that I changed from the doting (yes, I dare say so) bf to the selfish, stingy and lazy person. But as a man and future husband-to-be, I must make that hard decision to say no. I anticipated the kind of response I will get and got it. I am thinking of saving up for our future, trying to spend on te necessary, things that will give long-term benefits instead of these instant gratifications. The only instant gratifications I accept and like firstly a taboo topic to start and secondly a variable highly dependent on her mood. I have swallowed that fact nontheless. When she called and talked, in my mind, her words and tone constantly robbed me of my self-control. But I am thankful I didn't lose it.

I merely wanted to control it, and not let it escalate.

I can take it. The harsh tone and sharp words. No problem. But now I know why a leopard never changes its spots - I have no choice but to return to my original self and start bottling things up. Since her last paper is tomorrow. I have to endure it and not let it affect her.

Then, she asked me to treat someone whom we both know but I wasn't close with, to coffee. Her personal request wasn't something I am prepared for. While I want to do something for her, can she not understand that not everyone is or must be like her? I am not that kind party animal, to start talking to others unless I know them very well or if they are friendly to me. I can try, but at least be understanding and slowly convince me. I said yes anyway. But she detected my unwillingness. That was how the next issue started. The scolding/nagging started. I find it unreasonable to be deprived a good chance to explain. Then again, will she accept? The least she can do is to convince me in a NICER tone. I mentioned the best way to coax me is to whine and be (or act) cute. She knows it because I told her I have a weak spot to girls who tug my sleeves with those big round teary eyes and its definitely within her abilities to do so. If she doesn't allow me to change her to what I want her to be, I find it very miserable to be the one to ALWAYS give in and change just for her. I lost myself. I asked myself, what am I to her? Who am I? I already don't recognise the me I was, before I met her. I teared... I feel so sad for myself. No one will pity me.

Maybe she is just stressed and tired.

While I recognise that I am at fault too because I HAVE A CHOICE to communicate with her but didn't, I really need a breather for myself from the stress building up from work and rs issues. I need to talk to someone. I thought I found one since late 2009. Well, the irony seems to be no matter what I do or say, her wall is still up and I can never seem to scale it. I don't want to give up but I need some encouragement. Someone who can emphatize with me.

I have a lot a lot a lot more to say. But I cannot even begin.

I am sad, but I have no choice but to always put up a strong front. Because that is the ideal man she wants.

I am tired, emotionally, but I have to lie to her, telling her I am all right just so that she can at least put her mind at rest.

I love her. But I wonder if she really knew what I am going through. The dilemma I faced. The cold in my heart.

Long time no post...

I know, this blog is dead for some... 6~7 months?

Lets just say, A LOT happened and I was too lazy to type. Journalling is impt to me no doubt., but sometimes I just procrastinate too much. I realised that my posts are either damn emo, or happy. Otherwise, its plain boring. But who cares right?

Another 11 days and it will be our 14th month together. (Yes, we are still tgt! :) ) But really, I don't know how to describe our 1 year+ of relationship in a simple post. Let's just say, things have stabilized amidst the uncertainty. I know, oxymoron.

I really don't know whether I will continue blogging, but as of now, probably. Its not going to be regular, so don't bother camping here.

Let's see how things turn out from now...